December 12, 2015
When I started it was fun and I thought I was doing it for the same reasons, as everybody else.
But it took me further away, showing me the places I want to stay. As it took hold, I saw so many side doors to slide through. I discovered new ways of never coming back. My home slowly morphed into wherever I could find my high.
And now I know I can’t stop looking.
Which gives you permission to stare and look down at me, just another loser in YOUR head. Go ahead, pat yourself on the back, despite all the heinous stuff you have done.
At least you aren’t a desperate addict.
Did you know that your drug only gives you a fun night you can barely remember?
And my drug fills an emptiness, an escalating echo, since the beginning. That thing you merely play with is the same thing that keeps me alive. Or at least bridges my gaps, between secret identities.
I always wanted to enjoy life in your natural habitat.
I wanted a lawn instead of grass, a picket fence instead of the white lines I have chosen. But when I tried to ride the waves of everyday your way, I never found the balancing point. My equilibrium made the stress feel bigger than I could handle. I am not lost in the way that you might think about it. I just don’t know my place in this kind of society. I have never seen the view from first place.
Humans are only as good as their most recent occupation. Eventually messy and broken lines find the edge of the page, irrational numbers disappear from the equation. They are the statistics lining the margins.
Once I’m alone my best friends call; green and white, needles and pills. They put masks over my face and mind illustrating all the mixed up versions, of me.
The preparations; every grind and tap, feels more comfortable and familiar. The needle replays the internal broken record.
And suddenly shame is swallowed whole in a chemical cage of my choosing. I give myself permission to avoid it all for today. And then I rehearse for the same conversation tomorrow.
I try, I fail, I feel, I use. I guess I’m addicted to the lifestyle.
Even when you are suffering, there is always some comfort, in knowing what is going to come next. You remember learning, in the previous life that was grade 3, what goes up, must come down. As much as you try, you can’t seem to recall if the reverse is true.
You hope over time, uncured pain eventually just hurts itself.
These dark emotions are barely acknowledged by connections that are supposed to be there, but lost themselves. Narcissistic opportunities of superficiality and success always seem to be as distracting to some, as pain and intoxication is to others.
When I pour my pain into them, it always spills over, and they despise getting stained. So that is why I use the drugs.
It’s the only way I can feel limitless,
all around me,
And I can feel it closing in.
Simon Trepel, MD
Simon Trepel, MD FRCPC, is a practicing Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist, in Winnipeg, Canada. He is an Assistant Professor, at the University Of Manitoba, in the Faculty of Medicine, and the Co-founder of the GDAAY Clinic. He is, more importantly, the proud Father of 2 beautiful Daughters. He writes in his spare time about things he knows something about, and occasionally about things he doesn’t; like Yoga, and Italian flavored coffees. This post was not autobiographical, in case you were wondering.
Check out his Blog, called Simon Says Psych Stuff, at