Jocks Declare War On Anonymous #Onion

Jocks Declare War On Anonymous

November 18, 2015

Reuters Cable


For many years, the Homo sapien genetic line has remained divided along 2 major camps, those being the Nerds and the Jocks. The 2 have coexisted in harmony for many years, despite being natural enemies. Recent events in the World, however, have caused fundamental power shifts, bringing these 2 sub-populations, on a direct collision course.


Some said it was only a matter of time, before things boiled over. I mean really, how far can you push a group of physically superior people, before someone finally takes a stand.

Today, the Jocks of the World united, in declaring War on Anonymous, and formed their own team, to deal with this vigilante, spotlight stealing, cyber-menace.

The Jocks new Military Branch will be called ‘The Uninformed’, after their original slogan ‘The Uniformed’, encountered a typing glitch that, ironically, nobody caught. The mistake was eventually discovered, but they had no idea how to stop the Xerox machine. The Uninformed believe they will get by on general ideas, as opposed to grammar or spelling.

When asked to explain the Jocks sudden hard line stance on Anonymous, the leader of The Uninformed, called ‘The Coach’, quickly defended their position.

‘Nerds have been encroaching on our territory for too long, and now they have crossed the line. It was bad enough, when they snitched on us, and somehow turned ‘bully’ into a bad word. This has made it almost impossible to spread our way of life, as Teachers are now on the lookout for our people, trying to practice our customs, like ‘The Wedgy’, or the ‘Look Over There While I Knock Whatever You Are Holding Out Of Your Hands’. If we aren’t allowed to practice our way of life, it threatens the entire future generation of Professional Athletes. If not for the children, we need to do this for the fans!’


Pressed to explain how this all relates to Anonymous, the leader of The Uninformed continued,

‘Well, you remove the Alpha Predator from the school system, and pretty soon Nerds are no longer helping Jocks with their homework. From there, it’s anarchy, with Cheerleaders one day acknowledging  Nerds exist, which is just a slippery slope to an eventual conversation!’

The data supports The Uninformed claims, as statistics now show that humans of all genders, including those of above average attractiveness, have started to believe Nerds may be people too. An interesting trend, that the Jocks are currently NOT addressing, is the uprising of the Nerd wildcard splinter group, known as the Geeks.

This all points to a growing worldwide pattern that confirms what The Uninformed are claiming. Jocks are dramatically losing Street-Cred Market Share, and have been for the last several years.

The Coach gave the historical play by play as follow; ‘Nerds have been gobbling up cushy Silicon Valley jobs for some time, while the Jocks have been relegated to the bench, waiting for help with their homework. Nerds are also designing and constructing something referred to as ‘Corporate Ladders’ (according to our Legal Team), and using them to climb to the top of large buildings. While at the top, these Nerds, colloquially called ‘CEO’s’, apparently occupy large offices, with refrigerators, and collect money that should be going to us!’


So is this a question of money, this reporter wondered to himself. The Coach was vague on the subject, ‘It’s not about money, it’s about heart, it’s about courage. This time it’s personal, there is a lot on the line, we have a tough opponent.’

But why now, I asked him, and why Anonymous?

The Coach informed me that the tipping point surely came with the recent announcements that the Worldwide Nerd Collective, also known as Anonymous, had declared war on ISIS, further attempting to steal the limelight.

‘The Jocks have been patiently waiting on the World Sidelines, for their turn to help in the War. But just like a typical Nerd, to hand their work in on time, the little mother zuckerbergs went on a Power Play, and beat us to it. Now everyone is going to think that they are the Heroes, just because they can type faster than ISIS. That’s nothing! Have you seen how high I can jump? Here throw this, watch me catch it!’

I asked him whether there weren’t already too many people, involved in the conflict, and the Coach was adamant that since so many players were competing in Syria, it was only fair that the Uninformed could join in whenever they felt like it.

The coach went on to say, ‘Nothing is going to stop us from beating Anonymous. Hell, we don’t even really know what ‘hacking’ even is, but we, The Uninformed, feel very strongly that you don’t really need to understand something to hate it, and want to destroy it. Our plan is to smash all the computers, and once those are gone, those computer geeks will stop playing World of Warcraft, and come outside. Once that happens we got ‘em!’


Only time will tell, if the Uninformed plans will succeed. It is clear we have yet another major player, competing on an already crowded field. And I for one, am siding with the Jocks.

Unless they lose, and then, I am totally with Anonymous.

Simon Trepel, MD

Simon Trepel, MD FRCPC, is a practicing Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist, in Winnipeg, Canada.  He is an Assistant Professor, at the University Of Manitoba, in the Faculty of Medicine, and the Co-founder of the GDAAY Clinic.  He is, more importantly, the proud Father of 2 beautiful Daughters.  He writes in his spare time about things he knows something about, and occasionally about things he doesn’t; like Yoga, and Italian flavored coffees. He loves what Anonymous is doing, with 5500 ISIS Twitter Accounts deleted and counting.

Check out his Blog, called Simon Says Psych Stuff, at



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